nogooddaddy.com

Mistress Dipshit was saying how she hadn’t written in a while. That made me think…neither have I.

What can I say? I’ve been lazy, tired and now too busy.

Let’s go back in time:
June 20:
I get a call at 8:00AM. CrazyDiane has quit. I will be wearing the blonde wig of insanity for a while apparently.

June 21:
Drove up to Baltimore with my father to drop my mother and Shmuppie off at their cruise. Shmuppie was cranky in the car. My mother was cold. My father was pissy. I was fighting a combination of stress and fatigue.

We dropped them off and drive to my brother’s house. We hang there for a while and then the 4 of us drive to DC to see the Nationals. Upon arriving at the stadium, we parked in the cool VIP parking lot. We exited the parking deck and my father walked into a wall. The Nats should be applauded for keeping their glass so clean. My father thought he was walking out a door and walked straight into a giant floor to ceiling window. He left an impression on the door of his nose. I had to sit down on the ground and laugh. The stadium was OK and the game sucked.

June 22:
We drive home. I felt awful. I don’t handle stress well.

June 23: JewelrySlut and I had the house to ourselves. Work continued to stress me out.

June 24 - 27:
JewelrySlut and I took a mini vacation. Which is to say we flew to NJ, I worked and she tried to eat her weight in NJ food. Work was dismal. They laid HowardTheJew off on Wednesday right before the going away party we held for him. It was depressing. Thursday was spent sitting around; looking at what used to be our office and trying not to get too sad. I made my rounds and said all my goodbyes. Finally, I told JewelrySlut to come retrieve me at about 3:30. I’d had enough. JewelrySlut and ChurchBomber went to dinner with friends, so MerlotMan and I had a date. He’s a romantic.

June 27:
Flew home to Raleigh. Having listened to The Traffic God, we gave ourselves a lot of time to get to LGA. Arriving 40 minutes later, we had 3 hours to kill in LGA. /sad face
We flew home and I was still tired and somewhat sick. Really, I am only 33. It only seems that I’m 79.

June 28:
JewelrySlut and I had the morning and afternoon to ourselves. We went to the pool, napped, screwed and showered. Then I drove up the road to get the kid. They’d been in traffic all day and the 3 of them were cranky. Shmuppie had a good time on her trip. JewelrySlut and I became quickly aware exactly how much Shmuppie talks. The silence had been nice for the week.

June 29:
I was still sick to my stomach and tired. Fortunately, Shmuppie was also tired and slept late. We went food shopping and then went to the pool. Negroes were in the pool. That’s never good. I made us all a late lunch and watched clouds roll in.

The ladies dropped me off for my 6:20 flight up here to PHL. Upon reaching the gate, we were told to expect an hour delay. I sat down and read. Then, we boarded. I got a good seat (Southwest) and looked nervously out the right side windows. The sky was black. The pilot said he’d try to get us out before the storms hit. We sat because DC put an air hold in place. I had to explain to the woman next to me that we need to fly over DC to get to PHL and that if they close the roads, we don’t fly. We taxied away and promptly wasted time getting to the runway on the opposite side of the airport. We sat there some more when PHL closed its airspace.

Finally, as the blackness spread, the captain told us we were going back to the gate. They were about to close RDU due to storms and if we didn’t get back right away, we’d be stuck on the tarmac. We went back. We deplaned.

2 hours later, we got back on the plane. Then, we sat some more because of weather in Iowa or something. I was tired and hungry and not even the Bitter Biscoff (left over from the week before) could sate me.

We took up in the middle of a lightning storm and, about a minute later the plane was bouncing so hard that people were screaming things like “We’re gong to die”

We got up here and the nags took forever. I got to my hotel at 1:00AM…roughly 4 hours late.

June 30:
Here at the plant. My project from last summer was finally in production and it was a 5 ring circus of a clusterfuck. Everything went wrong. I’m just here, watching it go south and asking anyone how I can help. I spent yesterday beating up the envelope supplier in an attempt to fix some major QC issues.

So…here I am. I fly home on Thursday and then back up on Sunday night. I’ll be here the weeks of July 20 and July 27. If I can make it through the month, I’ll be ready for my vacation to St. John. I just need to maintain sanity between now and then so I don’t end up having a breakdown on the beach or something.

That’s my life.

Thanks for asking. I am indeed feeling better. It took me long enough though. I was still battling angry belly through Wednesday last week. Between the heat and the stress, I’d just as soon forget last week.

We had one bright spot though.

**Parental bragging alert**

Now, as we know, I have more or less made this entire site into a place to discuss my irregular bowel habits and to make fun of my stupid kid. I more or less tell it like it is, and she deserves a lot of the abuse.

Last Thursday evening was her swim team’s inter-squad meet. They wanted to get all the kids in the pool and see where their times fell. The actual season starts this Thursday and they needed to know how sucky they all were. The meet kicked off with the girls 6 & under 25 free.

JewelrySlut and I had a feeling that as long as Shmuppie paid attention (a seriously tall order), she might be able to do very well. We had spent some time in our pool trying to get her to focus on just swimming; no talking during the race, no stopping to wave at people, no shitting around.

I had volunteered to be a timer for the meet. Since it’s a 10-lane pool and there only seem to be 3 girls in her age group, I had the race off. I also had a good view of the little fish. It was adorable. They herded the kids to the far side of the pool and started the race. Ignoring all we had taught her about now to start a race, Shmuppie did a hands-free dive into the pool.

From time to time, the kid can pull it all together. And, for 30.85 delightful seconds, she did. She won the race by 3-5 yards, smoking her 2 competitors. JewelrySlut and I kinda looked at each other with a mix of bewildered wonder and a look of “Oh shit…here we go”.

We’ve been telling Shmuppie all along that as long as she’s having fun and wants to swim, we’ll keep her on teams and do whatever is needed. At that moment, I saw my gas bills start rising.

Backstroke and breaststroke went the same. She beat the pants off her competitors. Again, there were only 2 other little girls and I’m not sure one knew how to swim, but she did win.

Of course, we had to speak to the kid about her “I won” dance she was doing on the pool deck. We had to explain that acting like that may hurt the feelings of the other kids and that she’d better be careful because 2 other teams are coming to town this week and she may not be very good by comparison.

In mid-July, there’s some sort of All-Raleigh swim meet. They expect over 800 kids to be at it. The top 3 from each age group qualify. Looks like I know where I’ll be that day.

And so it begins.

As for me, work still befuddles me. I think I almost have an idea of what RedCompany expects me to do. I’m just not sure it’s possible. I’m supposed to find opportunities within HealthCareRelatedCompany to bring in profitable work to our sites in PA and Dallas. Sounds straightforward, right? And when you consider that on production quantities up to about 50,000, we’re about 50% the cost of the existing suppliers, things should be easy, right.

Wrong.

I presented a job yesterday where Vendor A wanted $1400, vendor B wanted $950 and we wanted $475. They’re choosing Vendor B. Why? One of the reasons given is that we get too deep of a discount on postage. I was told that they would rather pay $.39 per piece to mail it instead of the $.32 we charge.

OK. I can’t argue with sound logic.

The sooner I can get off of HealthCareRelatedCompany and move towards other accounts and opportunities, the better off I will be. Even better may be getting a new job within RedCompany. But, I’ll bide my time for now until the summer passes.

In other news, I’m heading to DC on Saturday with the NoGoodFather to catch a Nationals game with SecretAgentBrother and SIL. Of course, on the way, we’re dropping Shmuppie and my mother off in Baltimore. Time for their annual excursion to Bermuda.

Then, next week, JewelrySlut and I are headed to NJ. There’s one last hurrah going on up there for work and I need to make an appearance. JewelrySlut is tagging along and using some miles. It should be fun…or something.

I really need to write up the past weekend. I guess now is as good a time as ever. Mind you, I’m not in a good mood and have not felt well for 5 days.

OK…ChurchBomber arrived Thursday evening. We knew the bad weather was coming…in fact it had arrived. It was nearly 100 on Thursday. Also, at 2:00 that afternoon, the axe fell on me and my coworkers. Our operation at HealthCareRelatedCompany was being shut down. It’s bad. Real bad. The only silver lining is that I have landed with a new job within RedCompany (did I mention all of this already?). In any event, I think I’m now something called a Program Support Manager. $1 to anyone who can tell me what my new job is. I don’t know.

So, that news, coupled with the heat, the kid’s behavior and my generalized way of worrying about things like the weather, my stomach was shot.

Friday:
Woke up sick as a dog. My stomach was gone and I was shitting battery acid. Did I mention it also went right through 90 by about 9:00? JewelrySlut had to go to school for Field Day. ChurchBomber sat in the house and read. I pretended to work and continued to fret about the weather. I’m really an ass. I felt sick all day. Stress and heat. However, in the evening, I decided “Fuck it”. I’m going to the Buffett show.

Saturday:
Woke up and took Shmuppie to the Farmer’s Market to get crawfish. It was well into the 90’s by 10:00, on its way to a high of 105. Nice.

We got the mudbugs and brought them home. We let some loose on the floor.

Here’s the whole collection of them, mere moments before I plunged them into the water.

We sat by the pool a bit on Saturday afternoon and then I took Shmuppie to my parents’ house for the night. She was none too happy about not being able to attend the concert. But, we had made a deal. She could go if she was on her best behavior at school. She was not so she could not go. Good thing…because having to play the “It’s too hot” card would not have gone well. It’s good she stayed home.

We left for the show at about 5:30. The crazies had been outside since about 2:00, but we wanted no part of it. It was just…all at once now…too fucking hot. When we left, it was 104.

We got off the highway and got near the TWCPAWC (Time Warner Pavilion at Walnut Creek) or whatever it’s called. We were herded to a parking area in East Jesus. I had no clue at all where we were or even what direction to walk to get towards the seats.

We sat in the car for a while and watched morons try to construct a tent. Mind you, it’s less than 2 hours until show time and it’s hot. Why fucking bother?

Ok…so we left the car and set out. We had a big blanket and 2 chairs. Each of us held a bag containing 3 bottles of water and other sundries. I had a zip lock bag filled with 2 wet bandannas. They were to keep the one on my head wet all evening.

We walked
We walked some more
We walked

I ended up calculating it on a map and it was over 3/4 mile from the car to the seats. We passed through the crazies. People had towed in boats and were partying on them. People had busses, campers, swimming pools, they had dug beaches. It was insane. And, nearly everyone was drunk beyond belief. They had the stare that comes from drinking too much too fast in the heat. They were in for a long evening.

I unloaded Shmuppie’s ticket for only $50, but was happy to do so. Considering that I got $180 for the other 2, I was a little disappointed. But, in the end, I made $80 on the concert. Not bad. We got to the gates and walked some more. ChurchBomber looked ready to pass out. It was getting ugly and it wasn’t even 7:00 yet.

We passed through the asphalt hell of the food court and got out on to the hill. We got a good location and plopped down. The sun was evil. Very evil.

But, by about 7:30, the sun went under the hill and a breeze kicked up. I’m in no way saying it cooled off. It was simply less evil.

The crowd filled in in all its drunken splendor.

As I said to the 2 ladies “You 2, of all people, know what kind of jackass I can be. But, at least I have the decency to keep my jackassholery to myself and not have it impact other people”

The Buffett fans made me sad. There’s no occasion for a 40+ year old woman with a gut to be dressed in short shorts and a coconut bra, swigging beer and urinating on herself. None. Ok…maybe at one of those NASCAR picnics Andrea goes to, but that’s it.

Photos:

Here I am. I am hot

Look at the back tits on this guy!

Thighs like that should never see sunlight

This lady was sexy. She rolled up her shirt and showed off her back fat, FUPA and gut.

So, naturally, I did my impersonation. (NSFA (Anything))

Then a strange lady molested me because I’m just that sexy.

The show was good. I could have done without the crew who ambled right in front of us. They were all hammered. They were chugging little bottled of Parrot Bay and throwing the empties at people. Midway through the show, one of them fell on the ground and puked all over herself. Asshole.

We started out as the final song was playing because the crowd was unbelievable. We made it to the top of the hill as Coast of Carolina concluded and hiked back to the car (with a detour because our fearless (and sexy) navigator lost her way).

We got home at about 11:30 and were all exhausted.

I’m still paying for it. I’m dehydrated and still stressed about work. Oh, and yea…the cops were here last night because I had to file a complaint against a neighbor who threatened to find me and “get me”. Why did this happen? Well…I learned that a white man can easily disrespect a black man by asking him to clean up when his son pulls out his dick and pisses on the pool deck. That’s right.

I’m a white devil!

Buffett this weekend. I’m getting ready.

ChurchBomber is flying in on Thursday night and spending the weekend here. We’re all going to the concert on Saturday.

I had huge plans for Saturday. Then, I looked at the weather forecast.

Saturday, in addition to being the Buffett concert, is Crawfish Day. My plan was to go to the Farmer’s Market nice and early and get my mud bugs. I’d cook them up at home and be ready to head out to the show at about 2:00. We’d spend the day taking in the sights, eating crawfish and washing the whole day down with beer.

Then…I saw the weather forecast.

As we all know, I’m one hell of a lousy parent. But, I’ve been known to have my moments. I had one yesterday. When I saw the weather, I realized there was no way in hell I could expect Shmuppie not to lose her fucking mind if she was out in the heat for nearly 10 hours. Plus, ChurchBomber told me in an email that she was worried about the heat.

So, we’re heading out a little later. I want to be in the lot by 5:00. That gives us 2 hours to hang out and see the sights before heading into the pavilion. We have lawn seats, so we need to get there with some time to spare to make sure we have a chance at a decent location.

It’s gonna be hot.

Real

Hot

But, it will be fun. I’ve been more or less lurking on a Buffett fan site for the past few weeks watching the crazies plan this event. It was fun when they all started realizing at once just how hot it was going to be. I don’t suspect that things will be toned down at all for the hardcore crazies, but the average fans will likely be taking things easy. If you drink too much in that heat I think you just up and die don’t you?

Anyway…

The grass is doing well…in case you care. I lifted up a corner of one of the rolls today and saw roots starting to poke through down into the ground. That’s a good thing I guess. The zucchinis are getting big and look like they may start flowering soon. The cucumbers are doing the same.

Work is all kinds of fun. I think I’m getting a new job. I’ll still be with RedCompany, but in a different capacity. I’ll be doing a lot of what I do now (and I’m not sure what that is by the way), but reporting into a different boss. I think it’s a good thing. It’s more of a sales-focused position with production support. I think my job now is more of the opposite. The good thing is that, assuming I don’t fuck up, it will give me good exposure to other clients around the country. As I have learned, the only way to get your name out there is to go do it yourself. This could be a good opportunity to do so. All I know is that I keep getting paid for now. And, if I don’t like the new job, I can look inside of RedCompany or, heaven forbid, consider getting a job that requires me to bathe in the morning and leave the house. That could be bad for my soul.

It’s hot.

Hi. I doubt you missed me.

I was supposed to have written about the Homeowners Association meeting I think. I don’t feel like it. Let’s just say there was screaming and yelling and near fights. I stood, arms crossed, above it all and let the rednecks act like…rednecks. Good times.

And, since then, there was Memorial Day. It went well. My parents had by brother and SIL down for the weekend. They also had their ‘homo friends” (their words…the homos that is, not mine) from FLA. We caught a Mudcats game and ate a lot of pork.

But, the reason I’m here is to tout my accomplishments.

The backyard work is finally done. Some time ago, I had discussed the deck we were going to build. It got done about 3 weeks ago. The vegetable garden is in and the plants are taking off. We’ll have cucumbers and tomatoes soon. This morning, we bought us a lawn.

The World’s Smallest Backyard is complete. For perspective, it’s 20′ wide and only 11′ deep. As HowardTheJew said “My patio is bigger!” Remember…this is a townhouse.

Allow me to show off some pictures.

This picture shows some of the old deck. I can’t believe we don’t have any pictures of it. This was taken when I decided to have the bright idea of sawing up the deck and sawing through the tree roots.

Since then, the tree came down and the fence was replaced.

This is taken from the back door looking out at the deck. It’s 11′ x 11′. We bought the 3 chairs and have hung little citronella candles. Joseph and Jesus watch over us…slightly out of frame because Flickr cropped the picture. Damn them.

This is the deck again, taken from the grassy side of the yard. I can’t say enough about the deck. You need to consider that I have the building skills of a retarded chimp. Having built this was a huge accomplishment. We’re quite proud of it. I sweep it off on a daily basis. No leaves shall dirty my deck!

Here’s the grass. The garden, obviously, is on the left. Front left is zucchini with cucumbers behind them. We have tomatoes on the right side and peppers in the middle. Those are peas in the pot hanging above. LOOK AT THE GRASS!

Here’s a view from up near the doors, looking right towards the grass. The next thing we need to do is power wash the patio. It’s filthy. We’ll wait until the fall to do that. Don’t want to hurt the grass.

Now…for those of you who are calling me stupid for putting down sod in June.

First off, the sod cost us $18.25. so, if it all dies, it was only $18.25. It was fun.

Secondly, the farm told us that it should be OK. Of course, what else would they say? IT doesn’t get a whole ton of sun so it won’t bake all summer, and watering it will only take 5 minutes. A neighbor recently put in some sod in a similarly sunny space and it’s flourished. I think it will be OK. If not, we’ll try again in the fall for another $18.25.

That’s it. We’re quite proud of ourselves. However, we suspect that the neighbors will be pissed off. It’s going to be, by far, the nicest yard in the community. If anyone sees it, I gather they’ll think I skimmed HOA money to do the work. Fuck ‘em. It looks cool.

We had wanted to get this done by this weekend. Next weekend ChurchBomber is coming down to go to the Buffett concert and we wanted her to be able to see our handiwork. She’ll shit when she sees it because she knows how stupid I am.